The Perfect Thanksgiving?

So I get this email today from HGTV as I do about once a week. It is titled "18 Ideas for Planning the Perfect Thanksgiving Celebration." What the heck? I wouldn't even know a "perfect" Thanksgiving if it walked in and poured me a drink!

So thus it begins: the unnecessary pressure for women to host the "Perfect Thanksgiving Celebration." I say women, because men are there for the food and the football, and because we women made them attend our "perfect" celebration. But the pressure is on, you can be sure of that.

Did our grandmothers worry about hosting a perfect meal? No, and it always worked out nicely anyway, didn't it? They didn't have HGTV emails to help them plan and organize decorating in stages to make it manageable. They didn't have time to glue lentils to the bottom of pumpkins and pillar candles for centerpiece decorations; the food was in the middle of the table! Who had room for a centerpiece?

Our grandmothers didn't bother with "seasonal foyer or front porch decor." If a front porch rocker was draped with a shawl and a straw hat, it was because grandma just got up from the chair when she saw us drive up. It wasn't planned or contrived. She didn't have money to waste on pumpkins to adorn her doorway. Any pumpkins she bought, or more likely grew, were turned into pies.

Did your grandma have a candle that smelled like cranberry sauce burning on the coffee table? Mine didn't. If she had candles out, someone had either just had a birthday or the electricity just came back on. Candles were for emergencies, so you wouldn't stub your toe going to bed early with nothing else to do.

Did your grandma's dining room table have stemware on it? Ours didn't. We were glad to have matching glasses, and we ignored the fact that 3 different tablecloths were used to grace the table. My grandmother never made calligraphy place cards; we could sit where we wanted to. She never put a menu in a gilt frame, to let us know what we were having to eat. We knew what the menu was because it was Thanksgiving! We were having turkey, cornbread dressing, cranberry sauce, and brown-n-serve rolls, to name a few items. There was no endive Roquefort, and candied walnut salads, no chipotle-pumpkin soup to start our meal... although a certain pot of gumbo filled with chicken livers and gizzards (surprise!) does have a place in my memory bank. And no, my grandmother did not make it.

I think sending out emails claiming to help you plan a "Perfect Thanksgiving" is setting us up for a huge disappointment. Yes, fresh herbs in a bundle would be lovely in the turkey... but will those cousins from Arkansas notice the difference? And while sourdough bread croutons may make a lovely dressing, my family would be wondering if I forgot the cornbread dressing in the oven. And let's not forget the drunks in our families. Who can have a perfect holiday with a couple of loud-mouthed drunks around? They'll ruin any event. It doesn't matter if the place cards are made from actual dry maple leaves or written on the side of a penne noodle, the day will not be perfect. Don't' even wake up that morning expecting it, because I promise you: Bread will get burnt. You will run out of butter. Your pie crust will be tough. And some sloppy relative will break a piece of your discontinued china.

So it is with a rally cry to all women who grew up watching Martha Stewart hand-stamp linen tablecloths with corn cobs , making us all feel inadequate at homemaking, I say enough! Buy disposable plates and paper napkins. Forget decorating the table or the front porch. Just enjoy yourself, your family, and your friends. Recall what blessings you have received. And relax. Because you've still got pots and pans to wash.

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!